Why Marriage Isn’t Meant to Be 50/50

The planning stage has officially begun for the Mullens as we prepare for a new season of family life. With little kids in the house and a lot of changes ahead, there are plenty of logistics to sort through.

Thankfully, I love planning.

But as much as I enjoy a good plan, family life has a way of reminding me that not everything can be figured out ahead of time. Some things have to be worked out as the season unfolds.

One of the biggest conversations my husband and I have been having lately revolves around daycare. For the first time in my life, I’ve been feeling pulled towards staying home with my kids.

Now, I never thought I’d be a stay-at-home mom. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it (other than it’s probably really hard). I just never had or knew a lot of people who had stay-at-home moms growing up. So, dipping my toes into this territory feels a little bit scary.

When I started telling some of my people that this is something I was considering, I got a lot of pushback about how my husband and I would handle chores and responsibilities around the house.

There seemed to be a strong focus on ensuring a sense of fairness in the division of labor at home, despite the lack of fairness in the responsibility of bringing home a paycheck.

I brought some of these ideas to my husband, and we fell back on a concept that God led us to in our first couple years of marriage that still helps us today. The concept is this:

Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s almost always closer to 70/30.

But the person carrying the 70% changes depending on the season.

Sometimes one spouse is carrying more emotionally, stretched thin at work, recovering, grieving, or simply running on empty while the other spouse steps in to carry more.

We’ve learned not to keep score, but to simply adjust.

Over the years, this mindset has helped us avoid the trap of constantly asking, “Is this fair?” and instead ask: “What does our family need most right now?”

As we continued our conversation, we acknowledged that this transition will push both of us deeper into our individual strengths—his being providing for us through work, and mine being implementing systems around the house to take care of our kids.

Even though leaning deeper into our strengths may pull us further away from supporting each other in those same areas, we’re hopeful it will create a stronger sense of purpose in our roles. Along with a beautiful dependency on one another.

And that dependency isn’t weakness. It’s part of the design—in friendships and in marriage.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 says: “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”

Marriage works best when both people are ready to step in for the other when needed. Sometimes that means carrying the 70%, and other times it means gratefully accepting the 30%.

If you’re in a season where your marriage feels a little unbalanced, take heart. That doesn’t mean something is wrong. It may simply mean one of you needs a little more support right now.

The beauty of marriage is that the roles—and the effort required—can shift. But when both people stay committed to the same team, the partnership only grows stronger over time.

Until next time, friends.